How vain...

I read this quote about ten years ago and stopped writing.

"How vain it is to sit down to write, when you have not stood up to live."
H.D. Thoreau

It's true. Why would I bother anyone with empty words if I have nothing to say? I stopped writing. That was not such a great decision. The more I learn about writing, the more I understand how important it is to keep in touch with it.

Translating this book, I've come in contact with it again, and now it's bothering me. I want to write about my own ideas, but the translation is still on my heart, so they are racing for my attention and time.

*****

I like flying. It reminds me that no matter what kind of weather the plane takes off in, it is always peaceful and clear above the clouds. Down on the ground, during a storm, it can seem like the sun had disappeared altogether. But it is there. It's just allowing the elements to come back into balance.

I'm going to Philadelphia in less than three weeks. I'm excited, I've never been to The States. I'm also nervous, because the control freak in me doesn't know all the details. I'm grateful that I'll be able to visit my friends... it's like a dream!
There is another feeling present that I cannot quite wrap my brain around. I hope i can define it and leave ready... if that's possible.

*****

Today I need rest from EVERYTHING. And yet, I want to write... Or translate. Although this feeling of having to do something is exactly what got me so tired in the first place. Let's see if I can resist.

Besides, who said that now, ten years after reading that quote, I have something meaningful to say?

Hurt The Rain

Translating is difficult.

The author uses a kind of sentence structure that expresses a deep intimacy of thought, and is not translatable to English. With dialogues it's different: you can use the character's personality to convey the atmosphere (this wasn't my idea, it was my boyfriend's); but since the narrative is in first person, I'm afraid the sentences often come across either too harsh or too romantic. Perhaps I'd better stick with romantic, since this is one of the lead character's key features.

It's going slowly, mostly because I'm finding it so hard to be disciplined. It's much easier, say, getting distracted or not doing it, than sitting down and doing the work even when I'm not so entusiastic about it. It has to be done.

I've sent a sample chapter to a few people in The States to see what they think. To get an idea of what I'm doing at all. I believe in this book so deeply, but it's just a story of someone's life. So many have already been written; who am I to say this one is in line with the heart-winners?
Networking also must be done. People need to know about the book. My name won't sell it, the author name won't do anything for the English minds, it has to be the book itself. If I'm right... If it really is a heart-winner... if the publisher sees its worth... If I do the job to the best of my abilities...
I still need a miracle. It really will be parting of the sea.

So yes, sometimes you need to risk hurting the rain. Sometimes you need to put it all on the line - because if you don't, faith doesn't even have a fighting chance.

And every faith needs the fight. 

That's the only way it grows deeper and stronger; only this way does it learn and mature. It becomes more determined and peaceful; less intrusive or forceful.

The rain will survive a little rejection, it will come again. It can still carry on with its purpose, even if it doesn't get my hair and make-up all messed up.

How To Open An Umbrella

It's time to get down to business.

I need to clear with the writer about author rights that his original publisher may still hold. Apparently contracts for these things can be very different, so it really depends on what was signed 25 years ago.

When I find myself so ill equipped to deal with technical things of life, I feel incompetent to face serious issues altogether. In reality, the only thing I have to do is to send a kind email with my questions and continue translating.
It just so happens that I will be traveling to The States, where I can not only visit some of my dearest friends, but also do some Networking...

Networking! When did I start NETWORKING?! What does that even mean anyway? Seriously, on days when I'm completely honest with myself, this book project seems too big for me. On the other days, I wonder if it's a little denial doing me well, or do I really see things differently and am serious about doing the work that needs to be done. Hmm, maybe I should write another entry on one of those other days. =)

But seriously, all I have to do is to look at my personal life to know that this is a piece of cake (a good one, too) compared to decisions I must make.

I know I was called to love my enemies. But fighting loneliness when I'm surrounded by people is a ghastly task.... Ghostly. Like fighting a ghost. I need to call my enemies what they are so that I can love them ...accordingly.

Now how do I love my enemy? How do I build up a network? How do I open an umbrella without offending the rain?

It seems some questions are easier to answer than others.

But I can still work with the ones that I can answer. The others... may need to wait for those other days, when I feel on the top of my game, for any reason. Today I need an instructions manual for the simplest of things.

After The Rain

This poem has nothing to do with Israelites crossing either of the waters. It is thoough a fictional story based on the Biblical report, much like the book in question. I hope you like it.

Dear mother,
it's been warm and clear
and what incredible news i have to tell!
I am soon to be a father-in-law!
Yes, mother, my daughter is young, in love and very pretty
and although you and I don't always agree with each other
- how Beth and I wish you were near
to affirm this young man's lack of flaw.
If you set off now, you can still make it in time to the city.
Aside from that, nothing ever happens around here:
that old fool is finishing the boat and speaks of raining hell,
but seriously - if a drop falls, I will stand in awe.
I'd better focus on planning the feast -
for no god is raining on my parade, you see.
And you, don't worry about that fool from the east
rather pray to house-gods for our beautiful bride-to-be.

Dear mother,
I spoke and now I find myself regretting.
It's been raining for days with no end in sight.
Maybe your house gods could change the weather
so I can stop my foolish rainy-day tally.
We might have to wait until after the rain, for the wedding
as their house can't be finished over night.
But imagine - the old man is getting the animals together!
Come and see it; rain will soon stop and then
you should come and join us in the valley.

Dear mother,
I don't know if you will ever recieve this letter
(and maybe just as well) any time soon.
Our creek has turned into a raging river
and its waters have moved in to live with us;
there's no sign of sun, or stars, or moon.
By gods I really hope it gets better.
In any case, there will be no wedding though,
our son-in-law was lost during the bridge repair,
the water took him as a sacrifice...
My daughter is broken, she will have to let go,
but the bridge can't be fixed and I'm falling into despair.
Pray to those gods, mother, make them throw
a better dice,
because
without that bridge, we have nowhere to go...

Mother, stay in the hills!
The city has turned into a valley of death!
People have lost their minds
and started believing out of the blue!
All they do is fast and pray
but it's too late, I just saw the old man's boat has sailed!
Many people have taken their lives, even my beautiful Beth...
But the thing that drives me absolutly WILD
is that all the old man had sad turns out to be true!
Here it is, the judgement day
and there is nothing left for me to do,
but sit and curse and wail
and may God do with me as He wills.
On the second thought,
it may be too late for you too...

My dearest son,
it's so good to hear from you.
Funny you should mention the sunny weather
as here the clouds have covered the sky
since you wrote, and it's just begining to rain.
After everything this family has been through,
it would be good to get together.
But as yong families grow, the old must die
and I'm afraid I'm in too much pain.
But mind my words, my oldest one;
the old man from the East is no fool.
When the rain starts, take your family
make friends with the old man and run!
For if it rains in the valley as here is set to be,
it will turn it into a deadly swimming pool!
Now help Noah with the animals and be a friend.
And don't you worry about me,
I'm safe here on the hill.
Pray to this god I gladly send,
then board the ship if you have to and flee,
and I will see you when the rain stops, if house-gods will.
After the rain, the sun will come out
(as it alsways does)
and things will get better.
We will have so much to talk about.
Just know that bad things don't happen
to good people like us.
But all of a sudden...
I really hope you get this letter.

By me =)

The Red Seas and Cindarellas

The book I am translating is a fictional novel set in the background of the Israel's history, and it starts at a point in time when The Prince of Egypt comes bact to claim his kinsmen, the Israelites, for God.
We follow the story from the perspective of a young man, a devoted believer in The Promised Land, who only hears about Moses' return, about his quarrel with The Pharaoh, and the plagues. When informed that the Israelites followed Moses out of Egyptian slavery, he sets off to catch up with them, and join the return to the home of his ancestors.
It's interesting to put a big figure like Moses in a position of a support role (and not really hear any of his speeches until chapter 8 or 9 or something like that).

For some reason, most people think that splitting the sea - The Red Sea - and receiving two tablets with commandments is the end of the story. It's such a big moment that we don't even think about the fact that they are, in fact, now in the middle of nowhere, far from civilization, far from all they knew in Egypt, wandering through the desert.
Of course, we've read The Book, or heard the stories, and we know they eventually make it to Canaan.
And by The Book, I mean The Bible, not the book I am translating.

Those who know the stories a little better, also know that a walk through the desert that was supposed to take three or four weeks, ended up taking 40 years. So tell me, how does crossing The Red Sea qualify for a happy ending?! Especially since we already know the historical facts.

It makes me wonder about all the Cindarellas out there. Who knows if their "Happy ever after" is also "a lot of work" like my married friends tell me. After all, Cindarella and Prince didn't spend a few years dating and getting to know each other and travelling Europe together. They just got married.
And I wonder if she had daddy issues since her father had died when she was still a child. And how Prince dealt with those issues... Where did she learn people skills? 
And The Little Mermaid ends up marrying the man she fell in love with as a 16-year-old. Doesn't that bother anyone?

It's a mystery to me why we (me included) fall for the fairy tales, knowing they are fairy tales, but take them more seriously than we're ready to admit.

Maybe we need the happy endings so much we're ready to invent them.

But I've strayed from the subject. I believe that God's ideas always have happy endings. Had people listened to God's first good idea, they would never have touched that tree. They also wouldn't need to be taken out of slavery 2500 years later, because there would BE no slavery.

Interestingly, God has had many other good ideas since. But for some reason it's so hard to believe they are good (we'd rather believe in fairy tales). I'm just glad He has more good ideas in store and hasn't given up on us. On me. =)

First thing's first.

I think this job in the language school is not working out.

Just last night I was elaborating in my other blog how sometimes God needs to call a few times to really get our attention. I must confess, as reasonable as I am, in some things I am a romantically slow learner.

Who knows why I cling to groundless hope for so long. I keep believing promises of courses to teach that bring in money. But it is quite apparent that I am not organized enough to fill my schedule with enough work.
Alas, because language school was my original idea before I get a "serious job", I keep waiting for it to really happen, not looking into lowly positions like serving coffee, afraid to not utilize my skills.

I do have more time on my hands though. I know from experience that soon enough things will get intense again.

The lead character from The Book reports:

But the best thing was, that my passion for writing was not only allowed in this place, it also became my calling.

Translating this sentence hit a very deep note inside me. It was back in Chapter 4, but it sticks with me still. Writing was in this case the lead character's duty, I'm not even sure if he got paid for it, since he was an Israelite working for Egyptian government (Temple admin), but he chooses to see it as his calling.
It is very hard to tell how long I will enjoy the luxury of so much time, because let's face it - I would like to work, like, normal employment and paycheck and all that jazz. The truth is, just like the lead character starts his story only weeks before his life is turned upside down and pursues his People through the Sahara desert, all that jazz will leave me with far less time to translate. 

I am so lucky to have the support of my friends. A friend of mine here is actually writing a book of his own! It's a little challenging to read it in German, but I can tell it is written with talent, brain and heart. 
Even my wonderful boyfriend finds time to write despite the hectic nature of his profession, and he encourages me relentlessly to keep with the translation. 

The lead character is coming to a point in his journey, when he learns that after crossing The Red Sea, the Israelites were already growing unsatisfied, and some of them even returned to Egypt. It is going to be a difficult chapter to convey, mostly because I have issues with people that I had believed in but they disappointed me. Crossing The Red Sea is a challenge as it is, especially if you see people around you turning back from what they once believed in. 

My challenge, like the lead character's, is to keep my mind on the goal. Red Sea is only the beginning.

The Day I Had Coffee In Geneva With Luboš

It was an exhausting weekend after a hectic last week of a crazy month of February.


January intensive language course (B1.2) was fun. It gave me an obligation to go to daily, it allowed me to meet people, I made great progress in my German skills. It was in the morning and the world was kind. You don't like winters? Find yourself a language course =)
February intensive language course (B2.2) was demanding, and in the afternoon. Enough said. It was hard to focus, and my day was out the window - so I haven't translated a single line of the book in over a month. You want to save your winter with a language course? Have it in the morning.

But I passed. And quite well too! I haven't seen my test yet, but considering my grade, it must have been something very close to 90% !! You know?! I can really do this German life! Soon, I'll be able to tell a joke in German! (And people will get it and laugh!)

Now, back to my book.... "The" book. Its plot has some fun parallels with my life. It is a fictional novel, set in very real background of the Exodus of Israelites from Egypt. Now, a lot of people think that the story ends simply with the Ten Commandments that Moses brings to his people, after they were rescued from the mean Egyptians. After the big exit, they were supposed to cross the distance to the Promissed Land in a few weeks, but instead they ended up combing the desert for 40 years.
I moved here with great expectations. The plan was to work in some language school until I found a "real" job. Well, it's been 7 months. Still no real job. And although I love it here, and I'm grateful for my friends and their help... I find myself longing for my captivity and my personal egyptians. I find myself wondering, 'Why did I leave? Was it really that bad?'
Well, Egyptians had beer. You don't believe me? Google it, I dare you. They didn't manage a whole nation of Israel because they were dumb - rather, rest assured they were wicked smart and had advanced knowledge of astronomy, algebra, architecture (you can't argue against that), organizational skills, and obviously, psychology.
One thing they didn't have was spiritual wisdom... Just think, it took 10 plagues... it's all there in chapters 7 through 11 of the book of Exodus (in the Bible, here's the link).

You can't reach your Promissed Land (whatever it is) complaining over Egypt. You have to get up and leave the beer behind, and believe that milk and honey are better.

But don't get me wrong. My personal egypt was extremely difficult to leave behind. (And I'm not a beer drinker!!)

So... After a long, cloudy February, with a hectic last week and an exhausting first weekend of March, on March 3rd, I found myself by the Geneva lake, drinking coffee with my friends. The three of us were heading to the airport from the Swiss mountain village where the Bible School was held. Luboš from Prague, Czech Republic, joined us and we ended up stopping in the city. Sitting in a cafe, I looked at the lake, and thought about the month behind me, the land I was promissed, the sunny days like this Sunday, and uncomfortable days like Thursday when I almost ended up wandering the streets on Geneva the entire night (long story)... and of the writer with a beautiful soul from whom I still haven't heard back after my second E-mail... I realized it was a beautiful day with great people after an inspiring weekend at the end of a very productive last week of a successfull month. And that day shall always be remembered as The Day when I had coffee in Geneva with Luboš.

Milk and honey can wait. In the mean time, I can have coffee. Because let's face it, it's not all about beer.

My German Life

How did I get here? How did it come to this language course, living in this country, knowing Straßenbahns?  

The other day I was about to cross the street and had a strange moment of awareness. I paused on the edge of the sidewalk and stared into the scene that really wasn't meaningful, but it signified how  this strange bundle of circumstances gradually crept up on me.

I moved here. It was my own decision. Gave up my appartment, quit my job without a shadow of a doubt and came to live in Germany. It was an appartment in the center, and a good job, both in an incredibly beautiful country. And here I am. Translating a book, in Germany.
Having a "daytime job" and translating makes me feel like I have two lives. It's nonsense, of course, but I'm torn. Whenever I'm doing one, I feel like I should be doing the other. I take it as a phase. For a long time, this book was a silent dream of mine. I guess now it's too late to hide it - in fact, I should be working on getting the word out! Why can't I be so decisive about it as I was about moving here?

The time and energy spent on deciding is time and energy wasted. 

It took me a long time to compose a response to the author of the book. Too long. Too much thinking about what's better and not enough trusting. However, now that I've clicked the "send" button, I can enjoy the needles and pins again while waiting to hear back. It's quite romantic. =)

In the meantime (they don't call it MEAN time for nothing), it's time to focus. It's time to forget the three snowflakes that fall every day here, to be an adult, and bring my two lives together. In Germany.

Because not making a decision is a decision in itself. A bad one.

Know Your Promised Land

Every Promised Land begins with shaking off the mediocre familiarity and stepping into the desert.

I've had a dream on my heart that sounds a little utopic, but I haven't been able to rationalize it away for years. So I've started translating a book. It's like opening Pandora's box - if I don't finish what I've started, or at least give it my best, it will haunt me wherever I go.

Dreams can have the most peculiar hold on us.

I believe in this book. It's about life and what we do with it. It inspires and moves me. It's written in the language that only about 2 Million people speak, and even some of them not so well, because it's so complicated. Yet in its complexity, rich with delicate shades of atmosphere, and above all else, beautiful.
My dream is to translate this book into English and publish it.

I wanted to start the blog earlier, but I chickened out; here's why. I knew the first step would be acquiring the authors permission for translation and publishing. Looking back, I can see how mindboggling that idea was to me - it confused me as to where to start, it seemed like a lot more work than writing an email, it almost felt like this personal Jordan of mine is but too close and I was postponing crossing it.

Last Friday I finally sent the E-mail to the author. Yesterday he replied. He's OK with it. Now I'm sitting here wishing that I had shared this story so I could also tell about the euphoria of reading his kind reply, but I was too much a coward to take the risk of having to post that the project had finished before it really started.

It can be hard to have your wish come true, when you're not used to it.

So there. I'm far from reaching the goal of this journey. The challenge: to keep perspective. I've already started with the translation btw. I know that some of my ideas are too original for a wider audience. Still, I have this gut feeling it will turn out well.